4:52 am

4:52 am. Another sleeping pill down. Perhaps some rest for my mind. It won’t leave me at peace. 4:03 was the first.  My work blends throughout each hour of the day. There is no structure, I work or read til 4am, worry til 5, sleep till 10, dawdle, nap, then work, which later blends with dinner, time with husband, more work. Work alone, work with only my thoughts. Is there more than work? I concentrate too much on myself. I’m sure there is, work is to satisfy myself, prove to myself.

Design Group finally liked the next round of comps. Other clients keep me occupied, though monetary compensation is low. I want to feel important, that all my work in school and at Big Corp wasn’t in vain. Big Corp no longer communicates, with the exception of an email from my boss to a friend seeking a freelancer for a gig. I was copied, along with the other 2 contractors like myself who have been working there on and off. I have been there the longest. Number 1 on the list was a designer she recommended, just got his MFA and just finished such a similar project. Nice description, some praise-worthy tidbits. He has always been on a pedestal. Number 2 on the list was another designer of mundane styles; at first he was not well respected for it, now he seems to have risen in favor. Short description. Number 3, and last, was myself. “Just finished grad school”. No, not an MFA or acclaimed projects. Over half a year ago finished grad school. I should be thankful at least someone form Big Corp remembers me, but alas, being last on a list seems to add a little salt to wounds.

Hopefully sleeping aid is kicking in. I want to wake in the mornings and sleep in the night. I just can’t seem to get there. I know I’ll have a “hangover” from these pills in the morning, and be drowsy til 3pm. I want to be productive, happy, content, and a have time where I am not chained to a screen or worrying about it.

I feel it kicking in. Finally no more panic, utter sadness that comes with the late  night and knowledge that in an hour others will be arising for successful lives. My husband sleeps, and at least his profile aglow in moonlight reminds me to stop thinking about work and myself, that he values other things in life and about me, and I should focus on them as well. First though, I must get back to sleep, not work, not worry, but sleep. I can’t bear to see the sun rise in this state.

Pressure

Big Corp hasn’t asked me back. It’s been almost two weeks.

I put that extra into concentrating on other clients, a new one I picked up and also Design Company. I worked most of last week polishing some design concepts for Design Company. Sent three different directions and some other items, two of them I liked quite a bit. Design Company didn’t like ‘em. Did NOT. I was crushed. They sent back some “inspirational” links that showed super cool stuff. Totally off what the design brief mentioned. Totally needing a team of people, both creatives and developers. Bottom line: make it the coolest, out-there thing, but conform to our ideals.

I’ve been stressed this week trying to come up with new ideas. Freaking stressed. They said they want to really push me. Did I mention that a few weeks ago they also re-negotiated price? It’s an even smaller amount I’m getting now.

It’s not the money or the taking it to the next level that pushes me over the edge, it’s the fact that I am all alone, and if I had a real job I’d have a team to talk to. But I don’t have a real job. Or even a day job right now. I’ve failed at getting a job after spending tens of thousands on grad school, and I’ve failed at pleasing this client. It just piles up in my head.

I showed a comp idea to my husband last night. He didn’t think it was that great. I appreciated his honesty (really, I do), left them room and collapsed in my closet. The pressure form the past week just caught up with me and I cracked. I tried to belt myself but couldn’t even steady myself to get much effect. I just collapsed into a pile of bags and shook. My husband found me eventually, and did his best to comfort me. The whole time I stared at a pair of ribbon laced shoes and imagined that ribbon around my neck. But, I do care about my husband and listened enough to have him help me up and into bed. I was a wreck, couldn’t breath at a normal pace or focus, but he still managed to calm me after a lot of work. I even felt relief and a strange calm. I am so glad I wasn’t stubborn and asked just to be left alone. He got me through it, and today I was able to move slightly ever so slightly forward. The rest of the world might be falling apart around me, but at least I have a pillar right next to me.

Cuts and chopping at Big Corp

It has been a rough two weeks for Big Corp. I was about to mention cutting my hours back, when it became evident that jobs were being cut back, and I would be lucky to have one. Big Corp announced that design was not at the forefront of its survival tactic, and would be re-evaluating all in related positions. As I have said, I work with a great team of creative people, so this was not good news. Decisions were to be made this Monday, but one of the designers I work closely with was plucked from the nest last week. Just like that, our open room studio of 3 creatives and two contract workers (myself included), lost a soul.

I was asked not to come Monday, since everyone would receive a yes/no call, and not much work would be getting done amongst the drama.I got a text later that let me know my director survived, as well as the other creative. However, the future of our department is unknown to me. There was talk of it dissolving and us merging with another group. We’ll see, and so far I am kept far away this week. Will I be back next week? Not sure what the future holds. I complain about being there, and wanting to cut back, but not completely. Well, at least this gives time for my own clients, and to job hunt.

Ok, and one last thing. I know I am a lowly grunt. I’ve talked to bosses of bosses at Big Corp and was always made to feel like dirt. But now, those bosses of bosses might not be coming back to work anymore…and there’s still a chance I might. Ha.

Wikipedia for the unknown, unremarkable, and forgotten

Sometimes I wish there was a Wikipedia for everyday people. Not a Facebook that belongs to that person with witty personal quotes and pics, but just a biography out there, for living and deceased. I wanted to find info about an actor today, and see what he studied. Got his info on his degree, and then tried to recall what my father’s was…I kinda remember – was it math or science, or something with a fancier name? I don’t officially know. And I didn’t want to call up my mother just to ask, as she tends to blur past facts as well.

I wish there was a resource out there with the basic, Wikipedia-style facts. Yes, it would include info that people might not want publicly viewed – he had 2 DUIs in the 80′s and got laid off in 1993 and went through a mid-life crisis, etc. But they would be there for the record, for those that really cared, or cared too late. Now my imagination mixes with faded memories of who my father was and what he did, and sometimes I wonder how far I’ve drifted from the facts. Those facts still exist somewhere out there, but I live in an age of Google, and I want my answers from my couch, not by going to an ex-wife or a county filing system.

Somewhere there’s a plaque with my father’s name on it for something he did…alas, a picture of it has yet to surface of Flickr.

Good vibes

I had a teleconference with Design Company today, and it went to smoothly – I’m so amazed. The husband and I both conversed, and Design Co was straightforward and to the point on everything. We got through out concerns and questions and are ready to move on. Excellent!

I’ve taken some time off from Big Corp this week, and it’s improved my morale. My school has also passed along two gigs, one an out-of-state full time job, another a last-minute (for tomorrow) freelance gig. Freelance gig actually called me today, but I couldn’t answer. No voicemail, so I guess they moved down the list. WTF? Sucks to have likely lost a gig because I was not able to take a call, but perhaps that is a warning sign about their mentality – if they don’t have time to leave a message, perhaps they don’t have time to treat a freelancer well.

Cool Kids don’t communicate

I love clients who communicate well. Design Company and Global Nonprofit seem to be great at this, even when there are big gaps in between the next stages. Just a simple sentence to keep me in the loop is a blessing sometimes.

Cool Kids contacted me back in March to help redesign their website. They are a global boutique firm that have a big hand in production and design. Small in number, but do huge things. And they are just really super nice, cool people. Cool Kids know me from Big Corp – they often collaborate together, and they’ve seen me around for the past 3 years. So, after I graduated, my Big Corp boss mentioned that I completed interactive studies, and they were interested. A week later, we chatted over the phone. They sent me comps and ideas. Then a big project hit them and I was out of town. We touched base in the spring, finally met up late May.

I saw the whole scope of the project, freaked (but kept it cool), and sent back an email regarding the next step. In the crushing weight of the giant project, its strategy and needs, I mentioned that I had started my own company since we first started talking, and that I thought it could be advantageous to bring in the other half of it (the husband). That seemed to go over like a lead balloon. Perhaps it showed my weakness, my fear. I pitched it that the hub has many years of  business and strategy experience, as well as  coding and production. And if I am doing this through our company, then I think both of us should be on board (cuz I’m gonna need his help!).

So, I can assume that wasn’t the right think to do. Yes, I told you I make mistakes. There seems to be hesitation now. I had set up a meeting for a short time later, to discuss the next step and go over a brief that I had painstakingly conceived and designed…two days before next meeting, our paths crossed at Big Corp. The meeting was mentioned, and also the massive amount of work they were facing…I get it, you’re busy. The next day I follow up via email, and I get a cancellation call the morning of. I had taken the day off from Big Corp for this. Yes, that’s me: Idiot.

I could see it coming and think it was for the better, and for my head to get around the project and gain some confidence on working with this mega award winning firm. However, after several weeks and no correspondence, I got a little annoyed.

Just last week our paths crossed again at Big Corp. I wondered if they felt anything, but there was just a mention of how busy things are. Got it. But then that afternoon my boss praises an email they just sent of cool links for a hobby of hers. Heh. Can’t send one sentence to me, but you can send some fun links to the boss.

I know I’m little on the pole, inexperienced and making dumb mistakes. I shouldn’t take this hard at all, but when one starts out, every little gesture has potential to make or break a day. I wonder now if they are rethinking my services – we never even got to the point of a contract. Maybe they see me as incapable and amateur. Well, they should have done their homework first, I want to say. Cool Kids are cool people, and it also makes it difficult they there is somewhat of a personal connection. If they were out of states or foreign to me, I wouldn’t care so much. But I want Cool Kids to think I’m a cool designer too! And dammit, not a design doormat…do I give in and  follow up, or look like I’m too busy to care and let them contact me when they have the proper time to give their site some attention? Well, I should follow up…but I make mistakes, and don’t wanna.

Warning: business mistake ahead

So I met with a potential new client today. Well, not really a client, but a developer looking for a creative to work with him on a phone application. Let me rephrase that – “someone to do the art stuff”. Despite his lack of vocabulary, he did come to the realization that he needed a designer to make his idea a reality. I’ve long come to the conclusion that I need a developer to make my interactive designs come to life, so this is a good fit. When people look for web/interactive they don’t realize that a designer doesn’t always do everrryything. In the freelance world, “web designer” seems to mean the person that does all the graphic “art stuff”, understands the user architecture, and can write any code out there of any acronym in any format. Not so for this design school graduate.

Developer has a good idea, but working with him will be entering one of the biggest design DON’Ts you can do: work on the good silly idea that when the product goes to market and makes lots of money, you’ll get a percentage. I doubt this will ever go to market do to the vast research and licensing behind it, just for starters. But, if the developer can make it work, I still think it will be worthwhile in my portfolio. In addition, when this guy works on other people’s ideas, he now has a visual designer to turn to…he seemed very happy to find a creative person, as if he had only seen them in zoos or on TV.

So, I realize I won’t make cent on this. But, I think I can add a noteworthy piece my portfolio. I could establish a good relationship with a developer for future projects, and he likewise has a designer on file. I am committing a business mistake, but I am new in a very unfriendly world, and am trying to do what it takes to claw a hole in the door.

If it comes back to bite me, I told myself so.

Caffeine and chatter

Things are cool again, just so ya know. It’s amazing how a night’s worth of sleep can change a life outlook. I know I’ll feel those negative thoughts again, but I’ve forced myself to get out, socialize with some people who have contributed to my blue state, and just being around more energy has helped. A lot of caffeine too. I used to get anxiety attacks about 10 years ago when I lived in socially-isolated Generica, and a cup of coffee did wonders to calm me down. So, coffee, random banter and some hustle and bustle at least got my mind off of current failures and insults, and has me keeping my head up today.

I want to go to sleep

I’m so tired of looking like a failure. Reverting in my career. Watching others get amazing opportunities. Seeing unbelievably good work from other designers. Big Corp is running my morale into the ground. Am I forever a grunt? Clients who flak-out on me just add salt to the would. I want to be happy for others around me succeeding, but it’s so hard. I thought I’d be something, do something good. I began running again lately to handle stress, and I gained 4 pounds. I’d slice a big FAIL into my arm right now, but I’m in a wedding this weekend and don’t need to announce this to that particular crowd. I wish I could just fall asleep and let the freshness of the morning take over, but it’s this sadness that keeps me awake.

Day Job

I have a day job. It’s been my job for the past four year, actually, and a motivator for going back to school. It’s a huge, global corporation, but I work with a small group of creatives – it’s these people that have kept me sane there. When I started at Big Corp four years ago, I thought it was a big step up from the tiny, boutique (and corrupt) company I had been working for…I felt this new job might lead to big things.

The problem was, I was hired on through a staffing agency. I am a “contractor” with a fat middle man. Though staffing agency had nothing to do with the hiring process (I got introduced through personal connections), Big Corp insists on using it versus just working with freelancers and so forth. I thought there might be potential to hire – and there were plenty of opportunities, the company never seemed to know I existed or had any value. I thought it had do to my lack of education – that is, lack of a graduate degree. Anyway, I plodded along for 2 years at a somewhat technical, rarely creative position (but working with creatives), slowly becoming aware that I wanted to be doing the creative all the time. At Big Corp, and perhaps everywhere, I wouldn’t be able to do that without more education to paste on my resume. So, after 2 years of researching, hemming and hawing, I made the plunge. Big Corp was good to me during those times, letting me set my own schedule, using some of their equipment and understanding of my lack of sleep. Like I said, I work with a small group of great people in a big ugly corporation.

During grad school, I was still doing mainly technical work, and pining away for the hours of my graduation when my mailbox would be filled with job offers from New York. Sound unrealistic? My school’s website says students usually receive 3+ offers, and during my orientation we of course heard how one recent student received 43. Their website also says we have a career development office, and I’m still searching for it. Perhaps it did exist, and then Fall 2008 happened and it fell into a black hole. Regardless, I thought I would be moving on to bigger and better things.

Well, six months later, I have not moved on to bigger and better things. I haven’t moved at all. I am doing the same exact technical work that I was doing four years ago, for the same rate. Still have the same crappy desk and the worst computer in the group. The graphic designer, also a contractor (and with no design education), gets the in house design work. I get, well, whatever is left over. Sometimes I get to cut stuff out. Maybe fold and do mock-ups. I busted my ass in school, put my body in wretched physical condition and risked the financial security of my family for this. I get sad when I come in, though I know I should be glad I at least have this…I could be waiting tables for assholes, at least here I have a fun group of people.

If Disney needs a character for a downtrodden design heroine that meets Mr. Design Job of her dreams and whisks her off her feet, I am available.